Big Fat Meh

I - I don't know.

I have things to say, but I don't know how to say them. My tongue lies dead in my mouth and my thoughts are all knotted up in each other. If I pull on a thread from the wrong end, it will all unravel.

I thought I was getting depressed again, a little while back. But it's not that. All in all, I'm in a good place. But I'm tired. And I'm lonely. I have a lot of big thoughts on my mind that I need to air out, but no one to really listen to them.

As of right now, I am a little lost, and I have nowhere to turn. As always, it's best to stay put until any possibilites present themselves. I know change will come eventually. It's the wait I can't handle.

There are so many things I want to be doing. So many skills I want to start developing. I'm ready to set a new course in life, but like I said, I have no fucking clue where to beign. And I've wasted so much time already; I want to start something that feels right from the start. Something that I want. Something that can give me enrgy instead of stealing it all away.

I keep telling myself that I'm fine, and that I've got the things I want, but that is the biggest fucking lie that has ever been told. I want so much more, but I seem to be making wrong choices no matter what I try.

Perhaps it could be argued that I'm trying too hard. I suppose that wouldn't be too far off. Also, there are things I'm not admitting to myself; things that could do good with a little spotlight. I know this. But these are things deeply buried, things I can't reach right now, even if I want to.

It probably sounds a lot like I'm falling out of my mind as we speak. I'm not. I'm really not. I have fallen out of my mind before, and compared to that, this feels like pure, shining sanity. But I am losing faith in people, and I don't like that. I want to believe.

But I don't think I have ever felt more alone. It's not that I don't have people who care. It's not that I don't care about people. And it sounds like a fucking petty, childish sulk when I say this, but it's that none of those people really listen.

See?

Buhu, poor me, nobody understands me.

Yup, that is exactly how I feel. I feel stuck, and alone and misunderstood, and right now, it is killing me.

There, I said it.

But I don't want to be coddled either! That's not the point! I don't want to be pitied, made excuses for, specially treated. I just want to be seen.

I guess a blog post is the stupidest way to go about human contact, but at least it's a vent.

Gods, this feels so clumsy and whiny. But I promised myself I would start writing my real thoughts on this blog, and here I am.

The worst part is, it's not even good writing. It's just a mess.

But it's real, allright, and it is what I wanted, even if it isn't what I wanted.

So there. The mental ramblings of an aspiring, not-doing-so-very-good-at-the-moment-writer; pure shit in a golden bowl.


(Don't worry, I'll be fine again tomorrow. I think.)